You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How does one acquire holy water?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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