That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
