I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
