she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
be right there i have to get my cape
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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