your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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