I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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