We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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