My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
