I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
