where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
