I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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