I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
