She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What a dumb baby whore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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