Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
