Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
