6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
