you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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