Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
