Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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