So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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