dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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