It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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