i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
