dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
