The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
