its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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