How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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