Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
