so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
