i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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