I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
