idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
