During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
