Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
