New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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