remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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