I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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