you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
