i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
