I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
