1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
