just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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