i think my mom watched the whole time
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
