I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
