You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
