woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
