Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
