I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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