I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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