hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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